bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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