yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
