Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
