We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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