i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
