somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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