Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize