I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
