I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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