Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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