Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
