Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
