i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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