I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
