I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
