oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
