Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
