I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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