On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
