Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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