Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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