so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
