$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize