If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
he shaved USA in his pubs
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
