just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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