The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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