After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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