Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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