You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I need water and some morals
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
