It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
