If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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