If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
