I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Did we literally take a cab across the street
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
