I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she looked like the before picture.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
