i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
