Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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