Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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