I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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