Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I'm getting married
To pizza
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize