i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
