I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
