phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
