He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
