Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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