so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Your cock deserves a montage
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
His nipple licking is glorious
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