I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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