I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
