Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize