i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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