I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
