i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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