Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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