hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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