I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
