; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize