Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
