I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
accomplished twins. life is a go
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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