it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
