there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
