he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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