I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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