this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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