I puked a lego.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
